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You said WHAT?!?

Updated: Jan 24

We've all had experiences of saying something and been baffled by the response from the person we were saying it to. We will have thought we've explained something really clearly, and then can't understand why someone else responds in an unfavorable way. But what if you stopped for a moment and asked yourself 'what was it that led them to do what they did or say what they said?' It certainly opens up the possibility that your communication had a part to play in the outcome and shifts the responsibility for effective communication to yourself. Effective communication is more than just saying what you intend, it is the ability to prompt a desired response. The responsibility lies with you, as the sender of the message, to adjust your communication so that you get the response you desire. Even if you think you have communicated the message to the best of your ability, it is the response that determines whether you have been successful in getting your message across or not. Just think of it like Charades! It is important to remember that communication is not just verbal. Words make up only a small part of communication, whereas body language, facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice are forms of non-verbal communication that can also trigger responses in others. In the 1970s, professor of psychology Albert Mehrabian developed a communication model which indicates that - words only account for 7% of total communication. Tone of voice accounts for 38% and body language accounts for 55% of interpersonal communication. These three elements of communication are often abbreviated as the “3 Vs” - Verbal, Vocal and Visual. For communication to be effective and meaningful, these 3 elements need to support each other. Based on this communication model, not only do you need to pay attention to your choice of words, but also to your non-verbal's during communication. As an example, when I'm trying to get my children to help me clean up the house, it is just as important to use the right words as it is to use the right tone of voice and visual cues. Saying "It's time to clean up now" in a stern voice with a blank, irritated stare, while holding my hands on my hips will produce a far less favorable result than saying "Hey guys! Let's play the cleanup game!" with excitement and a smile, while being animated and silly. My end result is to get their cooperation on cleaning, so I need to communicate in a way that works for them. Another example is very specific to many of us women in relationships. We tend tell our female friends that we wished our significant other would help out more around the house, or more with the kids, and that we are constantly dropping hints but ... "he just doesn't get it." The funny part about this is that we've acknowledged that he doesn't get the hints, so why do we keep hinting? This is our lack of effective communication and maybe our communication needs to have a more direct approach. Or, at the very least, a different approach. When you are communicating with another individual, it is important to understand that person’s current emotional state and meet them where they are (building rapport) for effective communication. For example, if you notice that your significant other does not seem as happy-go-lucky as he/she usually is, you may explore any situation that might be affecting their emotional state. By understanding this, you can adjust your communication so as to avoid any misunderstanding or conflict. And when communicating to a group, it is just as important to gauge the group energy level as you speak and get the attention of your audience. If the group appears to be unresponsive, you could consider adjusting your body posture, hand gestures, words and tone of voice to get them engaged in your communication. This NLP Presupposition conveys the difference between what you communicate and the response it evokes. If you do not get the desired response, it means you need to look at making changes to the way you are communicating. Would you like to chat more about this topic? Send me an email at heather@wilderboerscoachingcom! And don't forget to check out a couple of my favorite things below as they directly relate to the topic of communication!


My favorite things!

Essential Oils and Emotions: Lavender Oil - The oil of Communication & Calm

This oil aids verbal expression and calms the mind. Specifically, it calms the insecurities that are felt when one risks their true thoughts and feelings and addresses a deep fear of being seen and heard.

Emotions Addressed: Blocked, Constricted, Tense, Fearful, Hiding, Unheard, Unloved and Insecure.


Thyroid Complex

Did you know that thyroid imbalances can be associated with extreme disappointment at not being able to do what you want because you are always fulfilling the needs of others and not of the self? The Thyroid is associated with humiliation and may be associated with emotional upsets caused by the breaking of friendships or family relations, depression, suspicion, anxiety and poor elimination of harmful thoughts. Emotional trauma can bring or aggravate thyroid disorders.

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